On my way back to normal

How to even start…

I’ve written this post out in my head a million times in a million different ways. And yet, when I actually go to do it, my mind goes blank and I have absolutely nothing to say.

The last few months have been rough for me.

ok, maybe that’s a bit of an understatement. But we’ll stick with that for now

Part of it is my own fault…but only part. I think that as people, not even as Christians, we judge what we don’t understand. If it doesn’t make sense to me, then it must not be real or if I can’t explain it, then I must be imagining it.

I have always been that way…especially when it comes to the topic of depression. I know people, including family, who have dealt with depression and always heard about how it’s a medical condition and all that, but honestly never really bought it. In my mind, I always thought they just needed to try harder and dig deeper and hang on a little tighter.

…until the battle began for me.

Now, I wouldn’t say that I struggled really with depression, just with my moods. I’ve been all over the place- irritable, hostile, up and down all the time. I’m exhausted, always wanting to sleep…or cry…or both and getting horrible headaches. Life just seems(ed) so overwhelming and impossible. The simplest thought or struggle would send me into tears, feeling like it would never end and paralyzing me. I would lash out at people close to me for no reason- such intense emotions that I didn’t know where they came from or how to deal with them.

For the longest time, I just thought I needed to push through. Work was too stressful, so if my job changed I’d be fine. Or if I could get more sleep I’d feel better. But no matter how my circumstances changed, I just couldn’t seem to get control.

And then as cheesy as it sounds, I heard a commercial on the radio about hormonal imbalances and it described me completely. But it made no sense- there’s no reason for me to have any kind of imbalance- I’m not pregnant and haven’t had kids recently and I’m definitely nowhere near menopause- none of the typical things that would lead to an imbalance. So I just wrote it off.

Until my mentor finally told me I needed to go to the doctor and get checked out (and I had never told her what I had heard on the radio). She said she had dealt with the same thing after having her kids and she recognized all of the symptoms in me. And honestly, I fought it initially…for several weeks actually. There wasn’t anything wrong with me, I just needed to try harder; I wasn’t doing enough or I was doing something wrong. But finally, I gave in and went to the doctor.

It was seriously scary. Scary because I clearly didn’t want anything to be wrong with me but at the same time I did- I wanted an explanation as to what was wrong with me and if they said nothing, I would seriously feel like I was going crazy. My mentor went with me and it was hard- hard to hear her tell the doctor everything she had observed…I felt the need to stand up and defend myself and explain it all away. But I couldn’t and I hated it.

We did all of the blood test and after a very very anxious 2 weeks, I finally got the results and the answers I was looking for. Turns out there actually is something wrong with the way my body is functioning…and the scary part? If it isn’t caught early, one of the hormones my body is producing too much of can cause brain tumors and affect my ovaries in such a way that makes it difficult for me to have children.

So the Dr gave me some seriously expensive medicine and I’m currently piled under $1100 in lab bills- and as stressful as that is, I’m glad to finally have answers…and a way to fix the problem.

I still don't understand how some chemicals in my body could make my emotions react a certain way and I know it won’t happen overnight, but I’m glad that I am on my way back to normal