This last year has been a rough one- lots of ups and downs and twists and turns and loss and heartbreak and victory. All rolled up in 12 months.
And through it all, I've hidhid the struggles and battles within my heart
put on my happy Christian face and tried to just 'suck it up'
I had convinced myself nobody knew
So I continued to keep my sin tucked away, hidden just out of sight
Without question it affected all I did and said, but I convinced myself that nobody knew
it was my struggle and my problem
That illlusion came crashing down yesterday afternoon
Day before, my mentor had texted me and told me she was "coming to see me" so that we could "talk"
...uh oh...
I love this woman dearly and she's generally a pretty chill person, not at all confrontational so just from the tone of her text, I could tell it was not going to be a pleasant conversation
And that would probably be the understatement of the century
The gist of the situation is that in my hiding and selfishness, I had said somethings in frustration that had gotten back to her and she was understandably very hurt...which hurt me. She felt like she lost trust in me.
Then, to pile even more on top of it
she had some concerns about things she saw in my life, patterns that she saw repeating themselves
Just when I thought I had everything so well hidden,
she laid the ugliness of my heart right out there on the table.
She put words to things I had avoided my entire life
she saw right through me
And in that moment, I saw that my sin was affecting other people
I didn't even know what to say
She had called it more clearly than maybe anyone ever had
She loved me enough to tell me things that we highly uncomfortable and quite difficult
My heart and mind are still struggling to grapple with all the words that were spoken...to come to terms with the sinfulness of my own heart...with the consequences of my sin and doing what it takes to make things right
One of the most important things I've taken away from yesterday: if I don't expose my own heart, Jesus will be faithful to do it. And while the end result is the same and His goodness remains, the pain of Him ripping my heart open is far greater than if I did it myself.
Reminds me of something a friend had told me awhile ago. He said that He always hated when the Lord told him to confront somebody or say something hard to them...because it meant that they weren't listening when the Lord was telling them.
Well, I got the message loud and clear.
And through this process and this growth and this healing, I need to learn what it is to expose the sin in my own heart- for my sake and for the sake of the people I hold dear in my life.
No comments:
Post a Comment