Change in the Making

I had this blog written out in my head all week. I knew exactly what I would say and how I would say it.

...and then as only He does so well, the Lord changed it

The last few weeks have been rough

yeah, that's putting it lightly

bordering on dishonesty

since the last post, I've struggled

struggled to make sense of the issues that were brought up

struggled to  give myself grace

struggled to identify the root

struggled to heal

one day, things are going great

...they'll go great for a few days

and then suddenly, something happens that knocks me back

so I fight

remind myself of the truth I've forgotten

the truth that is more real than my pain

Tonight, I sat down to write a post about an amazing song

about God not giving up on us 

about being redeemed

And it hit me again like a ton of bricks

...yet it was different

Suddenly I saw the situation in a new light

I saw that the pain caused by the current situation was so painful because it was deeply connected to past pain and hurts in my life

yes, I may feel hurt

but really, is what I'm feeling proportionate to the situation?

or is there something deeper?

So as the deep and buried pain began to rise to the surface, I absolutely broke down. Now, I'm not talking I cried for a few minutes. I'm talking, I was curled up in the fetal position on the floor of the shower for 20min while I sobbed and then stumbled to my room where I sobbed for another 40min. I was shaking and couldn't move; my breathing was so shallow I started going numb.

Can't lie, in that moment, I felt like a 5 year old

there is nothing grown up about this scene

nothing dignified

but until I'm willing to let go of my pride and dignity

until I become like a child

until I allow myself to experience the pain I've buried,

I will never know healing

I want healing

Desperately.

Maybe I wrote the blog about the song after all

maybe the story is still the same

just told a little differently

...and until I am complete, I will continue to tell my story...