just jesus.

A few weeks ago I had a dream
something that I've been meaning to journal about, but just haven't gotten around to it
now that my computer is back and running, I'm finally doing it


it was one of those dreams
ya know, the ones
they seem so real you don't even realize it didn't happen
things are hazy and yet so unbelievably clear


in my dream I was above the earth...in heaven, I think
I don't know if I had died or what, but I was in heaven
and I was looking down
on my life, other peoples' lives
watching people go to college and pursue careers


in my dream, I saw the pursuits of this life for what they truly are: fading
suddenly, I was able to see things in light of eternity
all of the things people were spending their lives on suddenly seemed to insignificant
it was as if my eyes had been opened
I had experienced something so much more real
and nothing else compared


I've been thinking about my dream a lot lately
how temporary and fading this life is
how the temporary discomforts are nothing compared to the beauty of my God
this process of being refined is for such a greater good than I could imagine


so I'm trying to learn to submit to the process
to be open
teachable
humble


killing this pride of mine is such a difficult process
it rears its ugly head more often than I would like to admit
but when my flesh tried to rise up and defend myself
I'm fighting to humble myself
to admit when I'm wrong
to embrace correction instead of run from it


the process is hard
it hurts
but it's good
I'm learning to trust that He is good....ALWAYS
His intentions and purposes towards me are good
I can trust Him


He is all that matters
nothing else
nobody else


.just jesus.

here i am.

In this blog, my goal is to be honest
painfully, brutally honest
to lay my heart bare
and trust Jesus with the results


I've been thinking a lot the last few days
about sin
about the church's approach to sin


So often, it feels like we want to make sin 'acceptable'
we talk openly about the sins that are ok
sins we all deal with
we talk about addictions...materialism...even pornography
those things have become acceptable sins


but rarely do we openly address the issues and dysfunctions of the heart
and when we do, it's often toned down


I'm codependent BUT....
I'm manipulative BUT...
I'm insecure BUT...


..followed by a list of reasons its ok or an explanation that makes it seem less than it is
I know I do this ALL the time


I realized it even today
I was texting somebody about a certain situation at work and told them I'm not very good at standing up for myself...followed immediately by a text clarifying that it's only true when it's issues that aren't important


why was that second text necessary?
because I didn't want to appear weak


News Flash: I AM WEAK


end of story.
no explanation.
no justification.


sin needs no explanation
no justification
it's wrong
period


the more I try to explain it away, the more I avoid the work of getting it out of my life. I can't root anything out if I don't acknowledge its presence


I want to shine light in the darkness of my heart
to not make excuse or preface


I'm not perfect
I never will be


here's a little secret for you
*you're not perfect either...and you never will be*
let's stop hiding
stop pretending

feeble attempts

This is my feeble attempt
...my first attempt, actually...
at keeping a blog


I long to express my heart, the communicate the depths of what I feel what He is doing in my life. It is in my telling of His work in my life, that we overcomer
and I am DETERMINED to overcome
I was intended to overcome


I desire for my words to compel...for the things that I write and the way I express to be a tool that draws others closer to the heart of God.
Words are powerful. The way you can evoke so much emotion with such simple combination. You can cause laughter or tears in just one sentence. Our words are important. His words are important.


Use my words.
All of them.


This is my journey.
Walking...crawling...stumbling...running...gazing.
The ups and downs.
The good the bad and the ugly.


My journey is His story.
and His story is always worth telling.