No Words Can Describe

Today I went to a baby's funeral
yesterday I went to his viewing
and Friday I held him just hours after he entered this world, lifeless


I held my friend as she cried
prayed for her and her husband
she tears over the pain, the deep brokenness
...and the life I loved that was lost so soon


it doesn't make sense
it's not fair
how could this happen?
why them? why now?

the service was beautiful

from start to finish tears were shed

we killed countless trees with our kleenex usage

and we left with  no more answers than we came with

but we left with hope

with a new perspective

the pastor spoke from Psalms

little Brantley was knit together in my dear friends womb

and though we never saw him with life in him

He was not hidden from God

He was fully known

and fully loved

this precious child, whose eyes never opened on this earth

opened them for the first time to see Jesus

this dear baby who never opened his mouth to speak-

his first words proclaimed the greatness of our God

The first sounds he heard outside of the womb

were the noises of heaven

and he smiled and laughed and basked in the glory of our Savior

The pastor who opened spoke of the impact that Brantley made

he said that those who held him were forever changed

I am so honored to be one of those

I cherish the moments spent with his mother, my hands on her belly

those are my memories of Brantley

and they are absolutely priceless

We may never understand

but HE DOES

we may be shocked and confused

but HE IS NOT

and it will probably always hurt

but we have a HOPE

that He knows the number of our days

and we will be reunited again

and until that time

we lift each other up

and cling to the only One who can truly comfort

 

Welcome to life: unmasked, a blog link-up for bloggers willing to get real, take off our masks, and show how we are finding God (or how God is finding us) in the mess of everyday life.

A Peace that Carries my Pain

I couldn't believe the words I was reading
I frantically read the text again, hoping I had misunderstood
"The baby is gone. He has no heartbeat"


No. This can't be happening.
He was fine at the doctor on Tuesday.
I had just been at her house the day before...
setting up the baby stuff
washing the little onesies and going through his toys
We had just talked about me keeping him on Saturdays and bringing him to church with me...he was supposed to be born in only 10 days

That night, I spent nearly the entire night awake

crying and praying for my dear friends, Chris and Sarah

pleading with God to do a miracle

Let him live

Do something. Please!

The next day,  I went to their home to take care of their other two littles ones while they were at the hospital. 

I waited anxiously to hear the news

hoping that they would do the c-section and he would breathe

that all of this would be a bad dream

...but it wasn't

Chris relieved me for awhile so that I could go to the hospital

I got to see baby Brantley. To hold him.

To love this baby we had all waited and prayed for

I held his mom's hand as she cried

and my heart broke into pieces

I felt so helpless.

I saw my friends broken and hurting

and could do nothing to stop it

nothing to make it better

I spent the rest of the day loving their littles ones at home

praying and doing my best to hold it together

I put away all the baby stuff I had help take out just two days earlier

it was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life

And now, everyone tries to figure out what it is to move on

to heal and process and lift this wonderful family up

We press into Jesus, knowing that's all we can offer them

Our heart breaks.

We hurt for our friends

for this baby that never had a chance to live life

It's been a struggle

trying to figure out how to process

Desperately wanting to be ok...to be strong

Feeling like I shouldn't hurt

that I have no right when I see my friends hurting

But that's part of community

carrying the burden for each other

feeling the pain of another

There are moments I feel overwhelmed with pain

and can't fathom what they must be feeling

But I'm reminded of scripture

the "peace that transcends understanding"

I always thought that meant a peace that takes the pain away

a peace and makes everything fade

but I have a new understanding

it's a peace that carries my pain

The last few days, as I've struggled to understand

to find healing and peace

I come back to the same place again and again

...He is still GOOD...

even when I don't understand

when it doesn't make sense

He is still FAITHFUL

Always.

Forever.

Pray for my friends, Chris and Sarah

this week they plan the funeral of their son

the pain is beyond comprehension

But our God is greater

Lift them up to the God who can heal

and restore

Pray for hope and peace

for comfort and a tangible outpouring of His presence

that they would know the love of Jesus

He alone is Secure

Welcome to life: unmasked, a blog link-up encouraging us to get real,take off our masks, and show how we are finding God (or how God is finding us) in our mess.

I don't have a job. I quit it.
Right before I left for Ethiopia 6ish weeks ago
No back up plan
No second job
Nothing

I know it's what God wanted

I prayed about it a lot before I made the decision

...and struggled

It didn't make sense. Nobody would understand.

How would I survive?

but in the end

I decided that upholding my character is more important than a paycheck

so I did what I had wanted to do for weeks 

I walked out

In the last 6 weeks, I've been looking for a job and waiting on the Lord

And I've walked in a greater measure of peace than I have in a very long time

...perhaps ever

I've learned what it is that He is my security.

That He is my husband and He will provide

and He has...

down to the last penny

And right now, I have only $93 in my bank account

which isn't enough to pay my phone bill

and electric bill

and medical bills

and gas...

But I've learned what it is to trust Him

money is not my security

money is not my happiness

money is not my peace

and until it was gone, I could have never experienced that in truth

I have an interview on Tuesday and am believing God t o bless it

and give me favor

and if I don't get it, I know that He will sustain me

He has been and will continue to

because my God is the same yesterday. 

Today.

Forever

Change in the Making

I had this blog written out in my head all week. I knew exactly what I would say and how I would say it.

...and then as only He does so well, the Lord changed it

The last few weeks have been rough

yeah, that's putting it lightly

bordering on dishonesty

since the last post, I've struggled

struggled to make sense of the issues that were brought up

struggled to  give myself grace

struggled to identify the root

struggled to heal

one day, things are going great

...they'll go great for a few days

and then suddenly, something happens that knocks me back

so I fight

remind myself of the truth I've forgotten

the truth that is more real than my pain

Tonight, I sat down to write a post about an amazing song

about God not giving up on us 

about being redeemed

And it hit me again like a ton of bricks

...yet it was different

Suddenly I saw the situation in a new light

I saw that the pain caused by the current situation was so painful because it was deeply connected to past pain and hurts in my life

yes, I may feel hurt

but really, is what I'm feeling proportionate to the situation?

or is there something deeper?

So as the deep and buried pain began to rise to the surface, I absolutely broke down. Now, I'm not talking I cried for a few minutes. I'm talking, I was curled up in the fetal position on the floor of the shower for 20min while I sobbed and then stumbled to my room where I sobbed for another 40min. I was shaking and couldn't move; my breathing was so shallow I started going numb.

Can't lie, in that moment, I felt like a 5 year old

there is nothing grown up about this scene

nothing dignified

but until I'm willing to let go of my pride and dignity

until I become like a child

until I allow myself to experience the pain I've buried,

I will never know healing

I want healing

Desperately.

Maybe I wrote the blog about the song after all

maybe the story is still the same

just told a little differently

...and until I am complete, I will continue to tell my story...

Exposing my own heart...

This last year has been a rough one- lots of ups and downs and twists and turns and loss and heartbreak and victory. All rolled up in 12 months.

And through it all, I've hid
hid the struggles and battles within my heart
put on my happy Christian face and tried to just 'suck it up'
I had convinced myself nobody knew

So I continued to keep my sin tucked away, hidden just out of sight

Without question it affected all I did and said, but I convinced myself that nobody knew

it was my struggle and my problem

That illlusion came crashing down yesterday afternoon

Day before, my mentor had texted me and told me she was "coming to see me" so that we could "talk"

...uh oh...

I love this woman dearly and she's generally a pretty chill person, not at all confrontational so just from the tone of her text, I could tell it was not going to be a pleasant conversation
And that would probably be the understatement of the century


The gist of the situation is that in my hiding and selfishness, I had said somethings in frustration that had gotten back to her and she was understandably very hurt...which hurt me. She felt like she lost trust in me.

Then, to pile even more on top of it

she had some concerns about things she saw in my life, patterns that she saw repeating themselves

Just when I thought I had everything so well hidden,

she laid the ugliness of my heart right out there on the table.

She put words to things I had avoided my entire life

she saw right through me

And in that moment, I saw that my sin was affecting other people

My heart broke as I crumbled into a mess of tears on my couch
I didn't even know what to say
She had called it more clearly than maybe anyone ever had
She loved me enough to tell me things that we highly uncomfortable and quite difficult


My heart and mind are still struggling to grapple with all the words that were spoken...to come to terms with the sinfulness of my own heart...with the consequences of my sin and doing what it takes to make things right


One of the most important things I've taken away from yesterday: if I don't expose my own heart, Jesus will be faithful to do it. And while the end result is the same and His goodness remains, the pain of Him ripping my heart open is far greater than if I did it myself.


Reminds me of something a friend had told me awhile ago. He said that He always hated when the Lord told him to confront somebody or say something hard to them...because it meant that they weren't listening when the Lord was telling them.


Well, I got the message loud and clear. 


And through this process and this growth and this healing, I need to learn what it is to expose the sin in my own heart- for my sake and for the sake of the people I hold dear in my life.

On my way back to normal

How to even start…

I’ve written this post out in my head a million times in a million different ways. And yet, when I actually go to do it, my mind goes blank and I have absolutely nothing to say.

The last few months have been rough for me.

ok, maybe that’s a bit of an understatement. But we’ll stick with that for now

Part of it is my own fault…but only part. I think that as people, not even as Christians, we judge what we don’t understand. If it doesn’t make sense to me, then it must not be real or if I can’t explain it, then I must be imagining it.

I have always been that way…especially when it comes to the topic of depression. I know people, including family, who have dealt with depression and always heard about how it’s a medical condition and all that, but honestly never really bought it. In my mind, I always thought they just needed to try harder and dig deeper and hang on a little tighter.

…until the battle began for me.

Now, I wouldn’t say that I struggled really with depression, just with my moods. I’ve been all over the place- irritable, hostile, up and down all the time. I’m exhausted, always wanting to sleep…or cry…or both and getting horrible headaches. Life just seems(ed) so overwhelming and impossible. The simplest thought or struggle would send me into tears, feeling like it would never end and paralyzing me. I would lash out at people close to me for no reason- such intense emotions that I didn’t know where they came from or how to deal with them.

For the longest time, I just thought I needed to push through. Work was too stressful, so if my job changed I’d be fine. Or if I could get more sleep I’d feel better. But no matter how my circumstances changed, I just couldn’t seem to get control.

And then as cheesy as it sounds, I heard a commercial on the radio about hormonal imbalances and it described me completely. But it made no sense- there’s no reason for me to have any kind of imbalance- I’m not pregnant and haven’t had kids recently and I’m definitely nowhere near menopause- none of the typical things that would lead to an imbalance. So I just wrote it off.

Until my mentor finally told me I needed to go to the doctor and get checked out (and I had never told her what I had heard on the radio). She said she had dealt with the same thing after having her kids and she recognized all of the symptoms in me. And honestly, I fought it initially…for several weeks actually. There wasn’t anything wrong with me, I just needed to try harder; I wasn’t doing enough or I was doing something wrong. But finally, I gave in and went to the doctor.

It was seriously scary. Scary because I clearly didn’t want anything to be wrong with me but at the same time I did- I wanted an explanation as to what was wrong with me and if they said nothing, I would seriously feel like I was going crazy. My mentor went with me and it was hard- hard to hear her tell the doctor everything she had observed…I felt the need to stand up and defend myself and explain it all away. But I couldn’t and I hated it.

We did all of the blood test and after a very very anxious 2 weeks, I finally got the results and the answers I was looking for. Turns out there actually is something wrong with the way my body is functioning…and the scary part? If it isn’t caught early, one of the hormones my body is producing too much of can cause brain tumors and affect my ovaries in such a way that makes it difficult for me to have children.

So the Dr gave me some seriously expensive medicine and I’m currently piled under $1100 in lab bills- and as stressful as that is, I’m glad to finally have answers…and a way to fix the problem.

I still don't understand how some chemicals in my body could make my emotions react a certain way and I know it won’t happen overnight, but I’m glad that I am on my way back to normal