The Choice

This blog has been rolling around in my mind for awhile but I just haven't taken the time to sit and spell it all out. When a thought stays with me for as long as this one has, I know that Jesus is speaking to me

I love children.

Anybody who knows me to any degree would agree. On any given Sunday, I can be found with at least one child attached to me. And many times throughout the week, I spend time babysitting and loving on kids

I have learned more from children than most anyone else.

There is one particular family I am close with. They have 4 children (soon to be 5!) ranging in age from 4 to 9. I have been keeping them for years now and can't imagine life without them. The youngest was a baby when I began keeping them and he has grown up knowing me- he doesn't know a time without me.

It was a few weeks ago at church when he came up and hugged me that I had a revelation.

When he was a baby, I would hold him and feed him and change his diapers. Basic baby stuff. And he loved me. He would smile and laugh and all the cute things babies do. But his love with not a mature love. He didn't know any different- his needs were cared for so he showed affection.

But as he (and his sisters) get older, there is nothing more beautiful and touching to me as when they walk in a room and just want to sit with me. As they get older, they see my bad days and moods and [many] shortcomings but still they choose to love me.

I used to think there was nothing more precious than the wonderful phases of a baby growing into a toddler and so on. But now, I have come to realize that there is nothing more precious than the moments they see me and still CHOOSE to love.

And really, they can make that choice because they are confident of my love for them. Yes, I care for their basic needs and feed them. But more than that, they know that I am for them. I will fight for them and protect them and defend them no matter what.

That all seems pretty simple

Until we stop and really think. Jesus sees us the same way. It says that heaven rejoices when even one sinner repents. But I think that Jesus rejoices just as much when we make the choice to set our gaze and affections upon Him. When we turn aside from the emotions and distractions and decisions that plague our life and choose to love Him and adore Him and lavish love upon Him.

He delights in our choice.

Not forgotten

"I am not forgotten, I am not forgotten

I am not forgotten, God knows my name"

There's just something about that song...especially these last few months. It causes my heart to respond as remind myself that He still sees me.

Because, honestly, it can sometimes feel like I'm not seen.

I mean come on, I'm [almost] 27 and very much single. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE the freedom and opportunity I have as a single person and the ability to serve and travel [and sleep] because I don't have the responsibility of family. But in a culture of well meaning people, there is a destructive message that bombards us singles constantly:

Just be content and [s]he will come.
As soon as you stop looking, God will bring them to you.

It's as if they are sending this message that I'm still single because I'm "not content". It can leave one feeling very over looked.

But then I remember...I am not my marriage status. None of us are.

I look around at my life. I see the community God has placed me in, the friends who have become family to me in these last few years and I know that He sees me.

It took 13 long years of waiting and growing and praying and learning and more waiting to finally take the step into full time ministry. But as I sit and look around at the people I'm surrounded by as we lift the church up each week in prayer and seek Him together, I know that He has not forgotten me. He has brought me to a place I not only dreamt of but was called to, but He did it in His timing.

My 13 years of waiting weren't because I wasn't good enough then or because I wanted it. Actually, those are the things that drove me deeper and caused me to want it more. If I learned anything from my years of waiting and walking into this life, is that even when I don't feel it or understand it or acknowledge it, He sees me.

There is no feeling more wonderful

Even When...

"The Lord is good

And His love endures

Yes the Lord is good forever"

The first time I sang those words just a few weeks ago, I couldn't help but wonder at the fact that those words not only came from me, but that they were boldly declared. I thought back on my life...even just these last few years...and thought about the fact that my circumstances often dared me to question any goodness in His plan, let alone in Him being good forever.

But here I stood. Reminding myself that He is good

Even when my parents divorced before I hit kindergarten

Even when I struggled to fit in and be accepted

Even when I questioned everything I stood for

Even when friends turned their back and betrayed me

Even when I went to Romania at 17 and was groped by a man on the airplane

Even when I left home at 18, unsure of where life would take me

Even when I worked in a nursing home and saw life slip away everyday

Even when I moved to India and realized my dream would be filled with struggles

Even when I moved my entire life to TN on a hope and a prayer [literally]

Even when jobs changed or disappeared altogether

Even when I saw a friend experience the pain of stillbirth

Even when I saw marriages fall apart

Even when my cousin's murder went [and still goes] unsolved

Even when my aunt was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer

Even when a year of doctors and medications left me tired and overwhelmed

Even when relationships rub you the wrong way
Even when finances are tight

Even when you have seen so many friends get married, it no longer hurts

Even when you wonder if it will ever be your turn

Even when you long for a baby of your own

Even then, He is good.

Or maybe, ESPECIALLY then

Because I've come to realize something:

Only when we can say He is good in the "even then", can we say that He is good at all

It doesn't take much faith...or effort...to praise God when life is sunshine and rainbows. But when life comes and the pain hits and nothing seems to make sense, do we still lift our eyes in adoration?

I have found that in the darkest moments, when I sing of His goodness, I understand what it is to truly worship. We serve a God who is good. Always. His goodness transcends our feelings and goes beyond what our circumstances try to tell us He is.

As much as I'd like to, I can't say that this choice to worship in the 'even then' situations will be easy, but it's in those moments that I feel the sweetness of His presence wrap around me and hear Him whisper: "I am."

What is your even then?

Fighting For My Marriage

It has been entirely too long since I was one here last. I often think about different blogs I'd like to write and even spell them out in my mind...but never quite make it on here. I follow many blogs and I've lost count of how many times I've read vows to write more often only to be followed by a similar post months later. 

But alas, that's what I'm doing here. I may not change the world with my blog (that would require much more talent and consistency than I possess) but I need an outlet to express the stirrings of my heart.

******

Now to the point of today.

We live in a culture fascinated with love and romance. Marriage and family. I can already feel the eye rolls from my fellow 20 or 30-something singles out there. But stick with me, it's going to get better.

Aside from living in a culture permeated by marriage, I am part of a [truly incredible] church family that believes in fighting for marriage. Due to the fact that we are in a military community, our divorce rates are significantly higher than the average city (I've heard it quoted as high at 92%). Given this trend, there are countless people who walk through our church doors hurting, with their marriage crumbling around them. Our pastors truly have a heart to see this turned around...they pray and intercede for marriages more than most people will ever know. They do marriage sermon series twice a year, host marriage conferences and are constantly [it seems] counseling multiple couples at once.

Praise God for this heart! Marriage was God's idea and He is passionate about marriages that thrive and advance His kingdom.

However, as an older single person, it's easy to feel as though I'm a little lost in the mix. Not yet married but not a young college student either. There are plenty of people to try and set me up (no, thanks) and praying for God to bring my husband (they're clearly not praying hard enough) but where exactly do I fit in?

For so long, every time there would be more talk about marriage or prayer for marriages, one of two things would happen (depending on my state of mind that day). I would either 1) check out completely because my singleness was too painful that day or 2) agree with those prayers and believe for God to restore the broken. As a child of divorced parents, I never had a hard time petitioning God for marriages to be saved. 

One day, though, it all changed.

As someone was praying for marriages, God challenged me: Why aren't you fighting for your marriage?

After I realized He actually was talking to me and hadn't confused me with somebody else, the way I saw everything changed completely. And hasn't gone back.

I know that there are countless churches who have ministered to multiple couples and have seen impossible situations turned around. However, I've come to realize something incredible important:

If we are going to be a body that is passionate about fighting for marriage, we must be a body who is passionate about fighting for singles.

As a [nearly] 27-year old single woman, my marriage is constantly under attack. The enemy knows the power of marriage, the unity that happens when two people come together in the closes bond possible this side of heaven. And he does anything and everything he can to break the bond before it even forms. I see this evidence as I process hurts I have endured and the brokenness of living in a fallen world. My experience fights to tell me that it's not worth it. That the pain and risk will never be worth the benefits of loving and entering into the sacred covenant known as marriage. It tells me that I am fine on my own and there is absolutely nothing I need from anyone else, let alone a man. 

I saw the evidence this weekend. I attended my first singles conference this past weekend and on Saturday morning all of the women were together having a Q & A session with the speaker. As women stood and opened painful parts of their lives, I saw how diligently the enemy has fought against marriage. They spoke of past experiences and mistakes and fear and rejection and isolation. All of these feelings directed at relationships.

The enemy attacks our marriage long before we lay eyes on our spouse. Marriages are broken because they are made up of broken people.

I refuse to let my marriage fall prey to the enemy. I desire to see a community of people- married and single alike- rise up and fight for us single people. To fight for our minds and our hearts and our marriages. That these prayers would be evident as we enter into this most holy union; that we would be marked and set apart.

I am single [for now].
But I represent a marriage.
I represent a family.
That family is fought for.