"The Lord is good
And His love endures
Yes the Lord is good forever"
The first time I sang those words just a few weeks ago, I couldn't help but wonder at the fact that those words not only came from me, but that they were boldly declared. I thought back on my life...even just these last few years...and thought about the fact that my circumstances often dared me to question any goodness in His plan, let alone in Him being good forever.
But here I stood. Reminding myself that He is good
Even when my parents divorced before I hit kindergarten
Even when I struggled to fit in and be accepted
Even when I questioned everything I stood for
Even when friends turned their back and betrayed me
Even when I went to Romania at 17 and was groped by a man on the airplane
Even when I left home at 18, unsure of where life would take me
Even when I worked in a nursing home and saw life slip away everyday
Even when I moved to India and realized my dream would be filled with struggles
Even when I moved my entire life to TN on a hope and a prayer [literally]
Even when jobs changed or disappeared altogether
Even when I saw a friend experience the pain of stillbirth
Even when I saw marriages fall apart
Even when my cousin's murder went [and still goes] unsolved
Even when my aunt was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer
Even when a year of doctors and medications left me tired and overwhelmed
Even when finances are tight
Even when you have seen so many friends get married, it no longer hurts
Even when you wonder if it will ever be your turn
Even when you long for a baby of your own
Even then, He is good.
Or maybe, ESPECIALLY then
Because I've come to realize something:
Only when we can say He is good in the "even then", can we say that He is good at all
It doesn't take much faith...or effort...to praise God when life is sunshine and rainbows. But when life comes and the pain hits and nothing seems to make sense, do we still lift our eyes in adoration?
I have found that in the darkest moments, when I sing of His goodness, I understand what it is to truly worship. We serve a God who is good. Always. His goodness transcends our feelings and goes beyond what our circumstances try to tell us He is.
As much as I'd like to, I can't say that this choice to worship in the 'even then' situations will be easy, but it's in those moments that I feel the sweetness of His presence wrap around me and hear Him whisper: "I am."
What is your even then?
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