Change in the Making

I had this blog written out in my head all week. I knew exactly what I would say and how I would say it.

...and then as only He does so well, the Lord changed it

The last few weeks have been rough

yeah, that's putting it lightly

bordering on dishonesty

since the last post, I've struggled

struggled to make sense of the issues that were brought up

struggled to  give myself grace

struggled to identify the root

struggled to heal

one day, things are going great

...they'll go great for a few days

and then suddenly, something happens that knocks me back

so I fight

remind myself of the truth I've forgotten

the truth that is more real than my pain

Tonight, I sat down to write a post about an amazing song

about God not giving up on us 

about being redeemed

And it hit me again like a ton of bricks

...yet it was different

Suddenly I saw the situation in a new light

I saw that the pain caused by the current situation was so painful because it was deeply connected to past pain and hurts in my life

yes, I may feel hurt

but really, is what I'm feeling proportionate to the situation?

or is there something deeper?

So as the deep and buried pain began to rise to the surface, I absolutely broke down. Now, I'm not talking I cried for a few minutes. I'm talking, I was curled up in the fetal position on the floor of the shower for 20min while I sobbed and then stumbled to my room where I sobbed for another 40min. I was shaking and couldn't move; my breathing was so shallow I started going numb.

Can't lie, in that moment, I felt like a 5 year old

there is nothing grown up about this scene

nothing dignified

but until I'm willing to let go of my pride and dignity

until I become like a child

until I allow myself to experience the pain I've buried,

I will never know healing

I want healing

Desperately.

Maybe I wrote the blog about the song after all

maybe the story is still the same

just told a little differently

...and until I am complete, I will continue to tell my story...

Exposing my own heart...

This last year has been a rough one- lots of ups and downs and twists and turns and loss and heartbreak and victory. All rolled up in 12 months.

And through it all, I've hid
hid the struggles and battles within my heart
put on my happy Christian face and tried to just 'suck it up'
I had convinced myself nobody knew

So I continued to keep my sin tucked away, hidden just out of sight

Without question it affected all I did and said, but I convinced myself that nobody knew

it was my struggle and my problem

That illlusion came crashing down yesterday afternoon

Day before, my mentor had texted me and told me she was "coming to see me" so that we could "talk"

...uh oh...

I love this woman dearly and she's generally a pretty chill person, not at all confrontational so just from the tone of her text, I could tell it was not going to be a pleasant conversation
And that would probably be the understatement of the century


The gist of the situation is that in my hiding and selfishness, I had said somethings in frustration that had gotten back to her and she was understandably very hurt...which hurt me. She felt like she lost trust in me.

Then, to pile even more on top of it

she had some concerns about things she saw in my life, patterns that she saw repeating themselves

Just when I thought I had everything so well hidden,

she laid the ugliness of my heart right out there on the table.

She put words to things I had avoided my entire life

she saw right through me

And in that moment, I saw that my sin was affecting other people

My heart broke as I crumbled into a mess of tears on my couch
I didn't even know what to say
She had called it more clearly than maybe anyone ever had
She loved me enough to tell me things that we highly uncomfortable and quite difficult


My heart and mind are still struggling to grapple with all the words that were spoken...to come to terms with the sinfulness of my own heart...with the consequences of my sin and doing what it takes to make things right


One of the most important things I've taken away from yesterday: if I don't expose my own heart, Jesus will be faithful to do it. And while the end result is the same and His goodness remains, the pain of Him ripping my heart open is far greater than if I did it myself.


Reminds me of something a friend had told me awhile ago. He said that He always hated when the Lord told him to confront somebody or say something hard to them...because it meant that they weren't listening when the Lord was telling them.


Well, I got the message loud and clear. 


And through this process and this growth and this healing, I need to learn what it is to expose the sin in my own heart- for my sake and for the sake of the people I hold dear in my life.

On my way back to normal

How to even start…

I’ve written this post out in my head a million times in a million different ways. And yet, when I actually go to do it, my mind goes blank and I have absolutely nothing to say.

The last few months have been rough for me.

ok, maybe that’s a bit of an understatement. But we’ll stick with that for now

Part of it is my own fault…but only part. I think that as people, not even as Christians, we judge what we don’t understand. If it doesn’t make sense to me, then it must not be real or if I can’t explain it, then I must be imagining it.

I have always been that way…especially when it comes to the topic of depression. I know people, including family, who have dealt with depression and always heard about how it’s a medical condition and all that, but honestly never really bought it. In my mind, I always thought they just needed to try harder and dig deeper and hang on a little tighter.

…until the battle began for me.

Now, I wouldn’t say that I struggled really with depression, just with my moods. I’ve been all over the place- irritable, hostile, up and down all the time. I’m exhausted, always wanting to sleep…or cry…or both and getting horrible headaches. Life just seems(ed) so overwhelming and impossible. The simplest thought or struggle would send me into tears, feeling like it would never end and paralyzing me. I would lash out at people close to me for no reason- such intense emotions that I didn’t know where they came from or how to deal with them.

For the longest time, I just thought I needed to push through. Work was too stressful, so if my job changed I’d be fine. Or if I could get more sleep I’d feel better. But no matter how my circumstances changed, I just couldn’t seem to get control.

And then as cheesy as it sounds, I heard a commercial on the radio about hormonal imbalances and it described me completely. But it made no sense- there’s no reason for me to have any kind of imbalance- I’m not pregnant and haven’t had kids recently and I’m definitely nowhere near menopause- none of the typical things that would lead to an imbalance. So I just wrote it off.

Until my mentor finally told me I needed to go to the doctor and get checked out (and I had never told her what I had heard on the radio). She said she had dealt with the same thing after having her kids and she recognized all of the symptoms in me. And honestly, I fought it initially…for several weeks actually. There wasn’t anything wrong with me, I just needed to try harder; I wasn’t doing enough or I was doing something wrong. But finally, I gave in and went to the doctor.

It was seriously scary. Scary because I clearly didn’t want anything to be wrong with me but at the same time I did- I wanted an explanation as to what was wrong with me and if they said nothing, I would seriously feel like I was going crazy. My mentor went with me and it was hard- hard to hear her tell the doctor everything she had observed…I felt the need to stand up and defend myself and explain it all away. But I couldn’t and I hated it.

We did all of the blood test and after a very very anxious 2 weeks, I finally got the results and the answers I was looking for. Turns out there actually is something wrong with the way my body is functioning…and the scary part? If it isn’t caught early, one of the hormones my body is producing too much of can cause brain tumors and affect my ovaries in such a way that makes it difficult for me to have children.

So the Dr gave me some seriously expensive medicine and I’m currently piled under $1100 in lab bills- and as stressful as that is, I’m glad to finally have answers…and a way to fix the problem.

I still don't understand how some chemicals in my body could make my emotions react a certain way and I know it won’t happen overnight, but I’m glad that I am on my way back to normal

just jesus.

A few weeks ago I had a dream
something that I've been meaning to journal about, but just haven't gotten around to it
now that my computer is back and running, I'm finally doing it


it was one of those dreams
ya know, the ones
they seem so real you don't even realize it didn't happen
things are hazy and yet so unbelievably clear


in my dream I was above the earth...in heaven, I think
I don't know if I had died or what, but I was in heaven
and I was looking down
on my life, other peoples' lives
watching people go to college and pursue careers


in my dream, I saw the pursuits of this life for what they truly are: fading
suddenly, I was able to see things in light of eternity
all of the things people were spending their lives on suddenly seemed to insignificant
it was as if my eyes had been opened
I had experienced something so much more real
and nothing else compared


I've been thinking about my dream a lot lately
how temporary and fading this life is
how the temporary discomforts are nothing compared to the beauty of my God
this process of being refined is for such a greater good than I could imagine


so I'm trying to learn to submit to the process
to be open
teachable
humble


killing this pride of mine is such a difficult process
it rears its ugly head more often than I would like to admit
but when my flesh tried to rise up and defend myself
I'm fighting to humble myself
to admit when I'm wrong
to embrace correction instead of run from it


the process is hard
it hurts
but it's good
I'm learning to trust that He is good....ALWAYS
His intentions and purposes towards me are good
I can trust Him


He is all that matters
nothing else
nobody else


.just jesus.

here i am.

In this blog, my goal is to be honest
painfully, brutally honest
to lay my heart bare
and trust Jesus with the results


I've been thinking a lot the last few days
about sin
about the church's approach to sin


So often, it feels like we want to make sin 'acceptable'
we talk openly about the sins that are ok
sins we all deal with
we talk about addictions...materialism...even pornography
those things have become acceptable sins


but rarely do we openly address the issues and dysfunctions of the heart
and when we do, it's often toned down


I'm codependent BUT....
I'm manipulative BUT...
I'm insecure BUT...


..followed by a list of reasons its ok or an explanation that makes it seem less than it is
I know I do this ALL the time


I realized it even today
I was texting somebody about a certain situation at work and told them I'm not very good at standing up for myself...followed immediately by a text clarifying that it's only true when it's issues that aren't important


why was that second text necessary?
because I didn't want to appear weak


News Flash: I AM WEAK


end of story.
no explanation.
no justification.


sin needs no explanation
no justification
it's wrong
period


the more I try to explain it away, the more I avoid the work of getting it out of my life. I can't root anything out if I don't acknowledge its presence


I want to shine light in the darkness of my heart
to not make excuse or preface


I'm not perfect
I never will be


here's a little secret for you
*you're not perfect either...and you never will be*
let's stop hiding
stop pretending

feeble attempts

This is my feeble attempt
...my first attempt, actually...
at keeping a blog


I long to express my heart, the communicate the depths of what I feel what He is doing in my life. It is in my telling of His work in my life, that we overcomer
and I am DETERMINED to overcome
I was intended to overcome


I desire for my words to compel...for the things that I write and the way I express to be a tool that draws others closer to the heart of God.
Words are powerful. The way you can evoke so much emotion with such simple combination. You can cause laughter or tears in just one sentence. Our words are important. His words are important.


Use my words.
All of them.


This is my journey.
Walking...crawling...stumbling...running...gazing.
The ups and downs.
The good the bad and the ugly.


My journey is His story.
and His story is always worth telling.