A Peace that Carries my Pain

I couldn't believe the words I was reading
I frantically read the text again, hoping I had misunderstood
"The baby is gone. He has no heartbeat"


No. This can't be happening.
He was fine at the doctor on Tuesday.
I had just been at her house the day before...
setting up the baby stuff
washing the little onesies and going through his toys
We had just talked about me keeping him on Saturdays and bringing him to church with me...he was supposed to be born in only 10 days

That night, I spent nearly the entire night awake

crying and praying for my dear friends, Chris and Sarah

pleading with God to do a miracle

Let him live

Do something. Please!

The next day,  I went to their home to take care of their other two littles ones while they were at the hospital. 

I waited anxiously to hear the news

hoping that they would do the c-section and he would breathe

that all of this would be a bad dream

...but it wasn't

Chris relieved me for awhile so that I could go to the hospital

I got to see baby Brantley. To hold him.

To love this baby we had all waited and prayed for

I held his mom's hand as she cried

and my heart broke into pieces

I felt so helpless.

I saw my friends broken and hurting

and could do nothing to stop it

nothing to make it better

I spent the rest of the day loving their littles ones at home

praying and doing my best to hold it together

I put away all the baby stuff I had help take out just two days earlier

it was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life

And now, everyone tries to figure out what it is to move on

to heal and process and lift this wonderful family up

We press into Jesus, knowing that's all we can offer them

Our heart breaks.

We hurt for our friends

for this baby that never had a chance to live life

It's been a struggle

trying to figure out how to process

Desperately wanting to be ok...to be strong

Feeling like I shouldn't hurt

that I have no right when I see my friends hurting

But that's part of community

carrying the burden for each other

feeling the pain of another

There are moments I feel overwhelmed with pain

and can't fathom what they must be feeling

But I'm reminded of scripture

the "peace that transcends understanding"

I always thought that meant a peace that takes the pain away

a peace and makes everything fade

but I have a new understanding

it's a peace that carries my pain

The last few days, as I've struggled to understand

to find healing and peace

I come back to the same place again and again

...He is still GOOD...

even when I don't understand

when it doesn't make sense

He is still FAITHFUL

Always.

Forever.

Pray for my friends, Chris and Sarah

this week they plan the funeral of their son

the pain is beyond comprehension

But our God is greater

Lift them up to the God who can heal

and restore

Pray for hope and peace

for comfort and a tangible outpouring of His presence

that they would know the love of Jesus