No Words Can Describe

Today I went to a baby's funeral
yesterday I went to his viewing
and Friday I held him just hours after he entered this world, lifeless


I held my friend as she cried
prayed for her and her husband
she tears over the pain, the deep brokenness
...and the life I loved that was lost so soon


it doesn't make sense
it's not fair
how could this happen?
why them? why now?

the service was beautiful

from start to finish tears were shed

we killed countless trees with our kleenex usage

and we left with  no more answers than we came with

but we left with hope

with a new perspective

the pastor spoke from Psalms

little Brantley was knit together in my dear friends womb

and though we never saw him with life in him

He was not hidden from God

He was fully known

and fully loved

this precious child, whose eyes never opened on this earth

opened them for the first time to see Jesus

this dear baby who never opened his mouth to speak-

his first words proclaimed the greatness of our God

The first sounds he heard outside of the womb

were the noises of heaven

and he smiled and laughed and basked in the glory of our Savior

The pastor who opened spoke of the impact that Brantley made

he said that those who held him were forever changed

I am so honored to be one of those

I cherish the moments spent with his mother, my hands on her belly

those are my memories of Brantley

and they are absolutely priceless

We may never understand

but HE DOES

we may be shocked and confused

but HE IS NOT

and it will probably always hurt

but we have a HOPE

that He knows the number of our days

and we will be reunited again

and until that time

we lift each other up

and cling to the only One who can truly comfort

 

Welcome to life: unmasked, a blog link-up for bloggers willing to get real, take off our masks, and show how we are finding God (or how God is finding us) in the mess of everyday life.

A Peace that Carries my Pain

I couldn't believe the words I was reading
I frantically read the text again, hoping I had misunderstood
"The baby is gone. He has no heartbeat"


No. This can't be happening.
He was fine at the doctor on Tuesday.
I had just been at her house the day before...
setting up the baby stuff
washing the little onesies and going through his toys
We had just talked about me keeping him on Saturdays and bringing him to church with me...he was supposed to be born in only 10 days

That night, I spent nearly the entire night awake

crying and praying for my dear friends, Chris and Sarah

pleading with God to do a miracle

Let him live

Do something. Please!

The next day,  I went to their home to take care of their other two littles ones while they were at the hospital. 

I waited anxiously to hear the news

hoping that they would do the c-section and he would breathe

that all of this would be a bad dream

...but it wasn't

Chris relieved me for awhile so that I could go to the hospital

I got to see baby Brantley. To hold him.

To love this baby we had all waited and prayed for

I held his mom's hand as she cried

and my heart broke into pieces

I felt so helpless.

I saw my friends broken and hurting

and could do nothing to stop it

nothing to make it better

I spent the rest of the day loving their littles ones at home

praying and doing my best to hold it together

I put away all the baby stuff I had help take out just two days earlier

it was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life

And now, everyone tries to figure out what it is to move on

to heal and process and lift this wonderful family up

We press into Jesus, knowing that's all we can offer them

Our heart breaks.

We hurt for our friends

for this baby that never had a chance to live life

It's been a struggle

trying to figure out how to process

Desperately wanting to be ok...to be strong

Feeling like I shouldn't hurt

that I have no right when I see my friends hurting

But that's part of community

carrying the burden for each other

feeling the pain of another

There are moments I feel overwhelmed with pain

and can't fathom what they must be feeling

But I'm reminded of scripture

the "peace that transcends understanding"

I always thought that meant a peace that takes the pain away

a peace and makes everything fade

but I have a new understanding

it's a peace that carries my pain

The last few days, as I've struggled to understand

to find healing and peace

I come back to the same place again and again

...He is still GOOD...

even when I don't understand

when it doesn't make sense

He is still FAITHFUL

Always.

Forever.

Pray for my friends, Chris and Sarah

this week they plan the funeral of their son

the pain is beyond comprehension

But our God is greater

Lift them up to the God who can heal

and restore

Pray for hope and peace

for comfort and a tangible outpouring of His presence

that they would know the love of Jesus

He alone is Secure

Welcome to life: unmasked, a blog link-up encouraging us to get real,take off our masks, and show how we are finding God (or how God is finding us) in our mess.

I don't have a job. I quit it.
Right before I left for Ethiopia 6ish weeks ago
No back up plan
No second job
Nothing

I know it's what God wanted

I prayed about it a lot before I made the decision

...and struggled

It didn't make sense. Nobody would understand.

How would I survive?

but in the end

I decided that upholding my character is more important than a paycheck

so I did what I had wanted to do for weeks 

I walked out

In the last 6 weeks, I've been looking for a job and waiting on the Lord

And I've walked in a greater measure of peace than I have in a very long time

...perhaps ever

I've learned what it is that He is my security.

That He is my husband and He will provide

and He has...

down to the last penny

And right now, I have only $93 in my bank account

which isn't enough to pay my phone bill

and electric bill

and medical bills

and gas...

But I've learned what it is to trust Him

money is not my security

money is not my happiness

money is not my peace

and until it was gone, I could have never experienced that in truth

I have an interview on Tuesday and am believing God t o bless it

and give me favor

and if I don't get it, I know that He will sustain me

He has been and will continue to

because my God is the same yesterday. 

Today.

Forever

Change in the Making

I had this blog written out in my head all week. I knew exactly what I would say and how I would say it.

...and then as only He does so well, the Lord changed it

The last few weeks have been rough

yeah, that's putting it lightly

bordering on dishonesty

since the last post, I've struggled

struggled to make sense of the issues that were brought up

struggled to  give myself grace

struggled to identify the root

struggled to heal

one day, things are going great

...they'll go great for a few days

and then suddenly, something happens that knocks me back

so I fight

remind myself of the truth I've forgotten

the truth that is more real than my pain

Tonight, I sat down to write a post about an amazing song

about God not giving up on us 

about being redeemed

And it hit me again like a ton of bricks

...yet it was different

Suddenly I saw the situation in a new light

I saw that the pain caused by the current situation was so painful because it was deeply connected to past pain and hurts in my life

yes, I may feel hurt

but really, is what I'm feeling proportionate to the situation?

or is there something deeper?

So as the deep and buried pain began to rise to the surface, I absolutely broke down. Now, I'm not talking I cried for a few minutes. I'm talking, I was curled up in the fetal position on the floor of the shower for 20min while I sobbed and then stumbled to my room where I sobbed for another 40min. I was shaking and couldn't move; my breathing was so shallow I started going numb.

Can't lie, in that moment, I felt like a 5 year old

there is nothing grown up about this scene

nothing dignified

but until I'm willing to let go of my pride and dignity

until I become like a child

until I allow myself to experience the pain I've buried,

I will never know healing

I want healing

Desperately.

Maybe I wrote the blog about the song after all

maybe the story is still the same

just told a little differently

...and until I am complete, I will continue to tell my story...